I guess I’ve missed you?
For many years on the verge of the month Ramadan, I became quite anxious. I wasn’t sure if I was prepared enough to fast 30 days? So I did what I knew best and went into introspective mode. Asking myself questions such as: ‘Did I lower my sugar intake? Would I be able to spread out the amount of water I usually drink (about 2l – 3l) over sunset to sunrise? Would I have enough strength to exercise? Or should I start running fewer kilometers just in case?’ You see, I think I can admit that I was anxious and well, definitely ill prepared.
When the month ended and people started saying they already missed Ramadan when we were celebrating Eid el Fitr, I never really understood. At least not until this year. While I was preparing physically for this holy month for many years, I always ended up with a little sigh of relief when I knew the month had come to an end. أَسْتَغْفِرُ اللّٰهَ (Astaghfirullah), indeed may Allah swt forgive me for those thoughts. This year by the end of Ramadan, I actually cried. Tears of sadness, tears of joy, tears of thankfulness and tears of love, that is.
I think I should start by saying ٱلْحَمْدُ لِلَّٰهِ (hamdoulilah, praise be to God). I have been raised in a muslim household, was thought Islam at school and have carried my imaan very dearly. I have never been one to shy away from having a candid and personal conversation with Allah swt. As you might have read in one of my previous blogs, I make it a thing to start my day with the words بِسْمِ اللهِ (Bismillah) and ٱلْحَمْدُ لِلَّٰهِ (Hamdoulilah), as I'm very thankful to be part of this world, this dunia. I must clarify though, being born a muslim does not equal having full knowledge of Islam. People have the opportunity to learn, self explore, share, think and see. By far, the most ideal way for a literate person to learn about Islam is by reading the words of Allah swt himself.
I fell in love with my religion…
Just a few weeks prior this Ramadan, I went looking for a translated version of the Qur’an. Unfortunately, even though I would like to state that my Modern Standard Arabic is so fluent that I would be able to understand the very nuances sent down to us, I cannot. Thus, I went looking for a translated version I felt most comfortable with, English. After some research I found a translation which provided additional footnotes e.g. in case an Arabic word could be interpreted multiple ways.
Day one of Ramadan and I started reading. I had set myself the goal to fully complete the Qur’an near the day of Eid el Fitr. But it wasn’t so much the reading on itself that was important, more so the understanding and the realisation of things. The entire month was so peaceful. I fell in love with my religion. I already knew it was beautiful, I guess I just never really understood to what extend. I never understood the depth of its kindness, its love, its charity, its benevolence, its direction and its beating heart. How could I have understood if I had never read the words of Allah swt himself.
… not because the qur’an is a comic but because of its kindness
I have never felt more like myself discovering my religion. Every day, during Ramadan, I felt like this little girl who couldn’t wait to go play outside on a summer’s day on a green flowery field. The excitement of putting on my sandals and my parents telling me: ‘it’s ok, you can start running and you don’t have to look back’, exactly that feeling. I read a lot, everything. So far, I understood what Allah swt wanted me to see and I already feel blessed. You know it’s funny, because I’m trying to find the best way to describe the feeling, the thing is, it is not just one feeling. Whether I was reading the Qur’an at Salat ul Fajr, when Angels were gathering, or at Magrib, I felt whatever I needed to feel.
I cried, many times. When reading the Qur’an it’s really your soul that is appreciating every piece of word. You don’t control how you react to a verse. But I can definitely say that quite a lot of verses made me emotional in a good way. Some made me think أَسْتَغْفِرُ اللّٰهَ (Astaghfirullah) as I reflected on my actions, some made me say سُبْحَانَ ٱللَّٰهِ (Subhanallah, praise be to Allah). I laughed, quite a few time too. Not because the Qur’an is a comic but because of its kindness and the sometimes light heartedness you find. I found happiness, serenity, warmth. I felt protected, loved, blessed. But the most important feeling I had, whether I was crying out of admiration for Ayoub a.s. and his perseverance and belief, or thankful for the kindness, I felt peace. Throughout the entire month, let’s forget that, throughout my entire lifetime on planet earth I had never felt so peaceful ever!
I found me, through Islam. When Ramadan came to an end, I was honestly a bit fearful that I would lose what I had learned, the peace that I was feeling. But then I remembered what I had read in the Qur'an, 'You cannot unread something you have read'. When Allah swt wants you to understand something, and that something enters your mind, you cannot pretend to never have read it.
The knowledge I have gained remained and is only being refreshed and strengthened as I'm rereading the holy book again. The peace I felt I still very much present. It's remarkable to be honest. My inner circle has mentioned multiple times how I have become radiant in the sense that my presence is very peaceful for them too. ٱلْحَمْدُ لِلَّٰهِ (Hamdoulilah)
‘it is as if you never left’
I am lucky and blessed, because in a way, even though it was my own very choice to start reading, learning, loving; yet it was Allah who made it happen. It’s part of my path and I thank every bit of Ramadan I have felt and am carrying on. I thank every person who shared in my experience, who shared their thoughts, their love for our imaan. Those who dove into hours-long conversations with me because of my new discoveries about our religion. I’m blessed when I wake up for Salat ul Fajr with no alarm, knowing my soul wants to pray. I get it now, when people say they miss Ramadan. The thing is, for me personally, I made Ramadan a way of living. More kindness, more love, more patience, more joy, more gratitude, more charity, more belief. So that when next Ramadan comes knocking, I can say: ‘Salaam, It is as if you never left’.