So I guess it’s not the flu?
Let’s face it, at 30 something you don’t imagine yourself sitting in the office of your general practitioner to get, what could possible be, the worst news on the verge of entering the New Year 2023. Truth be told, me not feeling all too well is not a new thing. I guess feeling under the weather is the norm when suffering from a chronic illness. The balance between healthy and unhealthy days has become nonexistent. In my case, the latter has taken the overhand the last couple of years which kinda makes me appreciate all my healthy days even more.
What happened to ‘normal’ days? Look at me, defining my days as healthy and unhealthy. Oh well, I can definitely say that I have appreciated and still appreciate each day more than I ever used to. Not a morning goes by where I don’t take five minutes before getting out of bed to say a simple prayer. I start with ٱلْحَمْدُ لِلَّٰهِ (Alhamdoelillah) and end with بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ (Bismi’llah ir-Rahman ir-Rahiem). For me these two simple phrases are very important and helpful. The first, ٱلْحَمْدُ لِلَّٰهِ, allows me to be grateful and thankful to wake up each day. The second, بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيمِ, boosts my confidence in starting the day on a positive note. No matter what possible health struggles I might be facing that day, I know my attitude will definitely push for a quick recovery.
“It’s shocking you’re still alive!”
Seems like my general practitioner shares the same positive energy when he decided to share some rather disturbing news. Looking at my blood results, he mentioned that it was shocking I was still alive. The results seemed to indicate that around this time or possibly within the coming months, my entire being could stop to exist due to heart failure. However, as I still walked into his office, he believed I shouldn’t worry too much.
Now, hold up a minute. I guess this would identify the exact moment where I actually start worrying a bit. My positive look on life got exchanged for a more grounded scary feeling. I believe that me coming to the GP’s office already indicates something is off, or am I mistaken? Apart from multiple vital organs possible turning their back on me, I believe it’s actually time to schedule an appointment with a cardiologist. You know, just in case.
I must agree with the doctor. It is shocking. Living the life I am living, 30 shay’ yahni, feels like I just received the brakes. It’s time to start using the brakes and rethink life in general. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. In case this beating heart of mine is in fact fighting, not just for itself but for the entire being named Ani, I want to make sure it’s a battle worth fighting for. So the most important question remains.
What the actual f*@#!
What the actual F*@# am I doing with my life? I’m stuck in a toxic job (story for another day) which I need to leave ASAP but cannot due to grown up responsibilities. #Excuses? Moving on, I would say I’m still looking for the ultimate purpose I have. Point blanc I feel like I haven’t achieved anything. Yet that isn’t true. I simply put the bars so high at times that I forget I actually need to take my climbing gear with me on my projects and adventures. A part of me literally wants to close every chapter I’ve gone through and start brand new. Reinvent myself. Move to the other side of the world, start from scratch while exploring another culture. Yet deep down I know that isn’t what I want as I have already worked real hard, building and sculpting the person I am today. Honestly, I like me and I’m proud of me. Yet there is still so much that needs to be identified in terms of goals. But I’m afraid to ask, do I have the time?
يا قلبي (oh my heart), how much longer have I got till the clock stops ticking?