APOTHEOSIS

Apotheosis: The highest or most perfect development of something.

The apex, culmination, or climax.

That’s what I experienced in April 2022. For someone who has been suffering from chronic migraines for years, there have been plenty of days where I thought I had reached the climax. Days where my migraine attacks would destabilise my ‘normal’ life, by being unable to function for three days on end. Each time, the pain would be so unbearable. Each time, the pain would come as an unpleasant surprise knocking on my head.

“Hello there, I thought I recognised you.”

Did you ever do your groceries and saw someone from afar you’d actually rather not bump into for whatever reason? Maybe it’s the forever-curious-gossip-auntie, a two-faced friend, or maybe you’re simply in a hurry and not in the mood for a chat. What do you do? I guess, you’d make a u-turn and make sure to walk into another isle to prevent that person from seeing you and having to start a non-entertaining conversation. Well, guess what, while you are quietly choosing your favourite granola to add to your morning yogurt, a finger tabs you on the shoulder. “Hello there, I thought I recognised you.” …. Oh crap, busted I guess. Well, now imagine going to the store with a giant light bulb following you around, indicating where you are. Playing hide and seek is out of the question in this case. Escaping to another isle or simply doing your groceries in incognito mode is something from the past. Every aunty will always find you before you have even noticed them. Every old annoying ‘schoolfriend’ will tab you on the shoulder while you drove their existence to the deepest of the ocean in your mind. But alas, reality is different. Now imagine that these forever-curious-gossip-aunties are actually unwelcome migraines. Dominantly knocking on your head to make you aware of their presence. Ugh, right!

وَإِذَا مَرِضْتُ فَهُوَ يَشْفِينِ

“And when I am ill, it is [God] who cures me.” (Ash-Shu’ara, 26:80)

Now before I dive into the unfortunate climax I experienced in April 2022, I do want to state that migraines are no headaches. There is quite some misconception about this. I actually wish I’d experienced a headache over the past 10 years, however my brain decided otherwise. While migraines can come in different forms and will have a unique effect on each person, there are multiple symptoms that can be identified. Some patients experience one or two symptoms and others win the jackpot. I belong to the latter.

a walking pharmacy carrying triptans, pinch of salt and chocolate sweet

As someone who has been suffering from this chronic troubling brain disturbance, I can easily tell when an attack is coming up and as such I know which methods work best for me to reduce the pain. Apart from my daily anti-epileptics and monthly needle injection, I’m a walking pharmacy carrying my brain’s preferred triptans, pinch of salt and chocolate sweet. Well prepared I would say. However, one sunny day in spring I was at work and the strangest feeling came over me. My eyesight disappeared for a couple of minutes and my body started trembling. My already low blood pressure dropped even more and I felt my muscles numbing. It’s a scary thing, to believe you know your body, its strengths and its weaknesses. All of a sudden my brain acted as if it had never experienced a severe attack before, defying every coping mechanisms it could actually have registered and practised. The moment I regained eyesight, I shut down the computer, took my bag and left the office. At that time, I had to commute two hours. I didn’t realise I was hyperventaliting out of fear of this attack, but the idea of not reaching home in time was unbearable.

It would have been a good idea to ask for help. Call my family, my neurologist, emergency services… Maybe this thought has crossed your mind as well, as you are reading this. Though the idea is great, during an attack, you’re no longer in full control of your brain capacity. All you want is to… well, let’s keep this positive shall we…for the pain to go away. So my muscles started to paralyse. I lost control over my sight and my brain went autopilot. I left the office, reached the station in tears out of hurt and next thing I know, it’s 9 AM, the day after. I had about 20 missed calls and I was lying at the end of my bed, barely dressed. The items of my purse were spread out over the hallway floor and my clothes were to be found in the bathtub.

This blackout was my climax.

Apotheosis: The ideal example; epitome, quintessence

Ironically enough, I reached yet another type of apotheosis. This time exactly one year later, April 2023.

While you might have read in one of my previous blogs ‘Finding Me, Through Islam‘, this year’s April has been a month of many new peaceful beginnings and changes. As I have been focussing on my Imaan and my love for Islam, I can’t be more thankful to mentally be exactly at the place where I would want to be. A place close to Allah swt, surrounded by kind, loving and generous people. I’ve promised myself to use what I’ve experienced in Ramadan, through reading the Quran, as the start of a learning curve and path of growth. This spiritual path is leading me to be the best version of myself. One that I like, love and am proud of. But mostly, one that I hope will benefit my family, my future husband and kids.

قُلْ هُوَ لِلَّذِينَ آمَنُوا هُدًى وَشِفَاءٌ

“And declare (O Muhammad) that [the Quran] is a guidance and healing for the believers.” (Al-Fussilat, 41:44)

I think one could state a little miracle happened?

Like most people, I made many dua’s during Ramadan. Some general, some specific. Some for myself, some for family members who sadly have left us and I dearly miss; and some for my funky family members who I cannot live without.

I didn’t realise up until the end of May, that I’ve only had one real migraine since Ramadan. Now, August 1st, and apart from that one migraine, I haven’t had any other in about four months. I don’t want to test my luck here, but coming from a chronic pattern where I used to have about 6-8 severe migraines a month, some lasting 2-3 days, I think one could state a little miracle happened?

Let me rephrase, I actually experienced the ideal example, the epitome of (الشفاء) Ash-Shifa, the healing powers of Quran. Funny thing is, I don’t remember making a specific dua for my health. But I guess Allah swt sends us exactly that which we need, when we need it and mostly when we’re ready to embrace it. Al-Hamdoulilah.

This shifa, was my apotheosis.